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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26069176">Still Human Enough to Feel the Pain</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theicequeenwrites/pseuds/theicequeenwrites'>theicequeenwrites</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Riverdale (TV 2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Cheryl Blossom Needs a Hug, Cheryl Blossom-centric, Coping, F/F, Falling In Love, Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Mental Health Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:27:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,271</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26069176</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theicequeenwrites/pseuds/theicequeenwrites</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's easy to pretend to be emotionless, feelingless, stone cold, ice hearted, head bee everyone thinks you are. But that doesn't change the fact that pretending doesn't make the feelings, the hurt go away. Deep down, you're still a human. Still a human with feelings. Still a human in ~pain~.</p><p>Or, life isn't easy if you're Cheryl Blossom. It's a serious of obstacles. But there's light a the end of the tunnel.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz, Minor or Background Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Still Human Enough to Feel the Pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>originally posted on ff.net<br/>(if you saw this on ff.net, no you didn't. we're erasing that period of time)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>I’m still human enough to feel the pain </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>That’s what Cheryl thinks when her brother washes up dead on the bank of Sweetwater river. When her HBIC title makes everyone think she doesn’t care so she locks it all inside. The secrets brewing in her blood and contaminating her veins hurt, threatening to be spilled. It makes her head pound and too fuzzy to concentrate. When she gets yelled at for crying at her brothers funeral and lowkey bullied at the family reunion it’s what she thinks.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong> I’m still human enough to feel the pain</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>It’s what Cheryl thinks when her mother slaps her. When her mother hurls hurtful, spite filled words. It what she thinks when she was young and watched Jason get a kiss while she got a pinch. She got insults he got praise. Now when someone insults or discredits her, that’s all she thinks. It’s all she thinks when she gets in sparring matches with her words.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I’m still human enough to feel the pain </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>When she stands on the thin layer of ice coating Sweetwater river, it’s what she thinks, feeling the betrayal of her father stinging her arteries. It’s what she thinks when Veronica doesn’t answer her cry for help. And what she thinks when she presses her heel into the ice, listening to it splinter and feeling herself fall through as her would be friends come into view. It’s what she thinks when Kevin, Archie, and Betty leave as soon as they know she’s alive. It’s what she thinks when Hermione Lodge speaks about as if she’s scum in front of her face. It’s what she thinks when Veronica smiles sadly and agrees that Cheryl should go home.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>I’m still human enough to feel the pain </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>That’s what she thinks when her mother hit her, grabs her, pinches her, leaving bruises and cuts. It’s what she thinks when there are cuts on her body from falling though jagged ice and when she feels hypothermia settling in her bones. It’s what she feels when the Sisters poke her and make her drag sand bags.</p><p>
  <strong><em>I’m still human enough to feel the pain</em> </strong>
</p><p>When she takes a sip of her wine and suddenly it’s too salty and she feels her movements getting too lose it’s what she thinks. When Nick St.Clair shows up and starts moving his body against hers, holding her close even though she tries to move away, it’s what she thinks. It’s what she thinks when she can’t see straight and her legs feel limp and Nick St.Clair is leading her up into his bedroom. It’s what she thinks when he puts his meaty hands on her thighs and spreads her legs. When Veronica and Josie break through the door and pull St.Jerkface off if her. It's what she thinks when she’s sitting numbly on the bed watching her friends pummel the man who tried to hurt her. It’s what she thinks when her mother tells her no one will be pressing charges. When she finds out her mother accepted hush money, it’s what she thinks.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I’m still human enough to feel the pain</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>That’s what she thinks when she sees pink this way for the first time; streaked into someone’s (someone beautiful) hair. When the girl sizes her and then uses harsh words against her. It’s what she thinks when she sees Pink -Toni- at school. When she insults at the Serpents and Toni demands her to day that to her face. It’s what she thinks when her brain battles on whether to say it or not, she ends up doing it anyway. The guilt kills her for weeks. It’s what she thinks when she yells at Toni in the bathroom slapping her like her mother slaps her.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I’m still human enough to feel the pain</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>That’s what she thinks when Toni saunters up to her at the movies, pink hair and all. It’s what she thinks when she realizes she is a back up plan, because Toni got stood up. It’s what she thinks when Toni asks if she’s okay. It’s what she thinks when Toni is sitting next to her and Cheryl is crying, reliving the horrors called her past. It hurts to remember her love that was ripped away. It’s what she thinks when Toni says exactly what she wants to hear, but Cheryl knows she doesn’t mean it.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I’m still human enough to feel the pain </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>When her estranged uncle shows up and turns her life around it’s what she thinks. When he poisons Nana and pushes her down the stairs. When he and Mumsy decide to send Cheryl off to where she can get better. Where they shove her into the scratchy dress and wanna be cardigan. It’s what she thinks when they play the movies that sear into her nightmares for months. It’s what she thinks when she feels the puncture in her skin and the loopiness taking over. What she thinks when they make her drag bag after bag after bag of sand. When they force her in Titanic cold water for showers. It’s what she thinks when she imagines Toni- no hears Toni shouting her name. When she’s running through hallways then tunnels then through a field although her entire body is screaming. What she thinks when she collapses in the backseat of Kevin’s truck and Toni wraps an arm around her. It’s what she thinks, when she rationalizes that it was a pity kiss.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I’m still human enough to feel the pain </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>It’s what she thinks when she gets kicked out of the play. When she confronts her mother with a candelabra demanding emancipation. It’s what she thinks when her mother agrees to get rid of her liability disguised as a daughter. It’s what she thinks when she sees a post of an after party she didn’t get invited to. When she watches someone in the play touch Toni it’s what she thinks.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>I’m still human enough to feel the pain</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>It’s what she thinks when Jughead calls her. He never calls her unless he needs to, he never wants to. It’s what she thinks when he says someone had Toni. That gut wrenching terror and anger that encompases her. No one touches her girl. It’s what she thinks when a deranged adult in face paint insults her and points a gun at her girl. It’s what she feels when Toni runs over to her, burying her pink head on Cheryl’s shoulder, sobbing tiny unheard sobs. No one hurts her girl.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I’m still human enough to feel the pain</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>It’s what she thinks when the snake bites her. When she goes down the line getting punched. It’s what she feels when she hears that the principal is kicking her family out of her school. It’s what she feels when they just sadly accept it, because no one ever fights for them. Well, she does now.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I’m still human enough to feel the pain</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Its <strong>not</strong> what Cheryl thinks when Toni asks her to be her girlfriend. When she pushed her natural pink lips against Cheryl’s painted red ones. It’s not what she thinks when she’s on the back of Toni’s motorcycle feeling the wind in her hair, the sun on her face, her girlfriend in front of her, the rumble of the engine beneath her. It’s not what she thinks when she’s officially emancipated and when she watches her mother walk away for good. When she walks into school Serpent skin on and hand laced in Toni’s. Because at the moment she feels human..still human enough to feel happy.</p>
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